I’m not sure if I have big enough of an audience to make a life update. But I want to go over what’s been happening and why I haven’t been making anything lately. I just want to warn you that I will be talking about mental health. If topics such as depression are triggering, then I would suggest you read the rest of this post with caution.
So why have I not been posting lately?
At the moment, I am a temp. For the past few months I have been working on a long-term assignment. While I won’t say where, I will say that I work from seven to four in the afternoon.
This means that from Monday to Friday, I have to wake up at four-thirty to get ready and avoid traffic.
From there on out I work on making fuse shipments to various customers. This may not seem like much of a huge task, but for me, I find that this job is very challenging because I have to be extremely detail oriented. This is due to the fact that a lot of the customers are in the military.
But not only do I have to worry about being precise with shipping these orders, but I have had to clean up the mess that the previous temps left in their wake. To be more specific, there is so much paperwork that hasn’t been scanned and is completely unorganized. I am talking about drawers upon drawers of paperwork.
In addition to that, I have had to catch up on all of the inventory that the past temps didn’t bother to keep updated.
So as someone whose only previous work experience has been as a cashier, this job can be a bit tiresome and overwhelming.
It hasn’t gotten too overwhelming to the point where I am having panic attacks, but it does leave me drained at the end of the day.
Therefore, after driving through horrible highway traffic, I feel little to no desire to create.
I honestly don’t see how there are people who can carry full-time jobs, take care of their children, and find the time to create art on the internet. I don’t see how one person can have the energy to do all of that every single day.
Perhaps I am just lazy and am just using work as a convenient excuse. But regardless, I have come to appreciate content creators and their ability to follow their passions while balancing their responsibilities.
This whole experience has also helped me appreciate all the hard work my parents put into their jobs while taking care of my lazy ass.
Aside from work, I have also been struggling with my mental health.
Whether this has been due to my busy work schedule or the changing of the seasons, I am not sure. Nonetheless, it’s been weighing on me. More frequently I find myself lying in bed and crying at night. I have been feeling so lonely.
I should probably give more context as to what probably triggered it.
Earlier during the year, I had made another profile on the dating site called OKCupid. I had been wanting to meet more people, because I wanted to have some semblance of a social life in the midst of all the chaos of finding steady work. I have used OKCupid plenty of times before, and found that it was the best site for me to use since it was free and I have a declining bank account.
For a while, no one interested me. Whenever I began talking to someone, I would quickly lose interest and set them loose. I began to feel like the whole process was a huge waste of time.
That was until “Arvin.”
From the very first message he sent me, I felt like there was something about him that made me feel comfortable. He seemed like someone that was goofy and friendly. I think we continued messaging each other for a few weeks, and very quickly, I felt like I had known “Arvin” my whole life. I felt like I could be myself without him laughing at me or without him judging me harshly.
Valentine’s Day was our first date.
We had planned to go to the movies to see Guillermo Del Toro’s “The Shape of Water.” I had arrived early, and waited outside the theater for him to arrive. He called me and told me he was having trouble finding a place to park, so I went out and stood by my car, hoping he would see me. Eventually he found me and parked right next to me. When he got out of his car, I saw that he brought me a bouquet of flowers.
Flowers might not seem like a big deal to most people, but it meant so much to me, because no one had ever done that for me before. I never dated anyone back in high school, and I always hated the tradition where boys would buy girls roses and attach hand-written notes to them. Of course, I never got a bouquet. I was always quiet, and boys would call me ugly and fat.
Gradually, I began to believe them. So, sitting there and seeing all of the pretty girls receive flowers only made me feel uglier, as if the whole charade was a confirmation of my ugliness.
So, when I saw Arvin bring me those flowers, I finally understood why girls loved them so much.
For once in my life, I felt like someone saw me as a woman. I felt that someone looked at me and thought that I was worthy of receiving something so beautiful as a bunch of flowers. It sounds ridiculous, but as I said, no one ever looked at flowers and thought of me.
After the movie, we went to Ihop. Then we spent the rest of night talking in his car. No matter what we talked about, he never judged me or made me feel weird. I felt like I could talk to him about anything.
Overall, I just felt safe around him. I wanted the night to go on longer. But of course we both had to go home shortly after.
I couldn’t wait to see him again.
We went on our second date about a week later. We saw Black Panther and had another round of Ihop.
That was our last date.
Arvin told me wasn’t emotionally available to date. He still wanted to be friends, though. After he told me this, I went home crying. I cried so hard that my whole face hurt.
I felt like this was happening to me way more often than most people. This had probably been the fourth person to tell me they were emotionally unavailable. So I started to think that maybe there was something about me that was off-putting to people, that there was something about me that made people want to run away. Regardless of why this kept happening, I was heart-broken.
But after some soul-searching, I realize that I enjoyed his company too much, and that I needed more friends in my life. I
decided that I would continue being his friend, and that I would learn to emotionally distance myself and keep things strictly platonic. And things were great. We continued going to see movies and eating out. Eventually he met my parents and started hanging out at my house.
I thought that I was doing a pretty good job of emotionally distancing myself from him. I kept reminding myself that we were just friends.
However, I think my feelings for him did bloom again at one point.
But I never crossed a line and intentionally made him feel uncomfortable. I always told him to let me know if I ever did something that made him feel uneasy so that we could talk about it. We promised to always be open to each other and to not play any games. Although I wished he had feelings for me, I was still content with the way things were. I continued to try and shut down any thought of romance that would sprout from time to time.
I think my feelings for him really became apparent when I invited him to to my best friends’ wedding.
For months leading up to it, I was extremely nervous. I was nervous because I knew an ex best friend of mine would be there. This person and I hadn’t spoken in years, so I was preparing for the worst. I told Arvin that my ex-friend was extremely passive-aggressive, and always whispered insults under his breath. Therefore, Arvin should do his best to ignore everything he said.
“No matter what he says or does, DO NOT FIGHT HIM,” I remember telling Arvin. Arvin told me to not worry about it, and that I should just focus on enjoying myself and being there for my friends. Thankfully, none of that ended up happening on the day of the wedding. I had a panic attack when I saw this ex-friend, but Arvin stayed by my side the whole time.
It was at that moment that I was absolutely sure my feelings for him hadn’t left.
I don’t know if it was the wedding environment, but I just felt so happy. I was there supporting my friends with a guy that made sure I felt comfortable. Seeing how Arvin had comforted made me feel safe and that I had nothing to worry about. It seemed like someone actually cared about my well-being, for once.
You have to understand, it wasn’t just the wedding where Arvin seemed to look out for me. He told me that he wished I would start focusing on eating healthier and exercising, because he wanted me to live a long life. He would also remind me to keep looking for job postings and that I should look for work that would challenge me. But seeing how he immediately comforted me and tried to help me calm down at the wedding, I felt like I finally met someone who valued my happiness and well-being.
Things seemed okay from that point on.
We had started watching “Sense8” and we both really enjoyed it. Arvin had to leave because he had work the next day. Everything seemed fine. He didn’t seem angry, we hadn’t been having problems, we hadn’t gotten into any kind of huge argument. At least none that I can remember.
But for some reason, he just stopped speaking to me.
Usually Arvin wouldn’t answer my texts whenever he needed to be alone to deal with his mental health. So for a little bit, I assumed that he was just taking some time to take care of himself. But after more than a couple days, I began to worry. As someone with anxiety and an overactive imagination, I began to think that something horrible had happened to him.
I thought he had been in an accident. Maybe someone in his family had passed away? I even began to think that his depression became so unbearable that he took his life. It got even more ridiculous once I started to think that one of my texts distracted him and made him get into an accident. I even wondered whether he was visiting his family in the Philippines and that he didn’t have service there. But surely he would’ve told me if he would be gone for awhile?
My imagination was getting ridiculous, I know.
So days passed, and no matter what I said to him, he never replied.
I started to get angry when my phone told me that my message to him had been read. But I couldn’t bring myself to believe that he had just ghosted me.
I continually tried to ask him to talk to me. I even started feeling horrible because I thought I was crossing a line by constantly texting him. Mind you, I wasn’t texting him twenty times a day. But for awhile, I texted him once a day to see if he was alright. But he still never answered, even when I left a couple of voicemails.
A part of me debated that I should talk to his friends or a family member, but I knew that would definitely be crossing a line. And I felt shitty enough for continually messaging him as I had been doing. So, at one point I decided to just wait and see if he would ever reply.
But he didn’t.
I worried, wondering if I did something wrong. But that seemed strange, because we assured each other that we would always be transparent and talk over any issues we had.
Still, he said nothing.
I had been ghosted before. But Arvin never seemed to be the kind of person that would ghost someone. I grew to be very resentful. But a part of me still felt hopeful that he would come back.
The final straw happened in July.
We were still friends on Facebook, and it was apparently his birthday. I saw that people were writing to him on his wall, as friends do. He confirmed my worst fear when I saw him respond. I wanted to tell him how betrayed I felt. But I knew that would only make me look crazier than I probably appeared at this point.
So instead I wished him a happy birthday and a good life. I have since deleted his phone number and unfriended him from all social media. And to this day he still has not said a word. No explanations, no apologies, nothing.
I understand that people aren’t obligated to give you an explanation.
But I thought we had grown to be very close friends that talked to each other about everything? Hell, we even talked about becoming roommates in the future, once both of us had saved enough money.
So is it really too much to ask for an explanation?
I’ve just been so heartbroken over this whole ordeal.
I loved our time together. But I’m just so hurt from how this ended. There have been many times where I’ve lied in my room sobbing, feeling like an ugly freak who isn’t worthy of love. I know that he was emotionally unavailable, and maybe a small part of me just didn’t want to accept that. Maybe I hoped that he would come around. Perhaps he noticed that and left. But regardless, I wish he had at least said something to me about it. That would’ve been much better than getting the silent treatment.
I feel so much bitter and resentful towards him.
But as I’ve taken some time to reflect, I’ve realized that perhaps maybe he had some issues himself.
I knew that he suffered from depression. He also said that he was trying to repair his relationship with his family. But there was one moment that especially stood out to me.
There was this time when my parents were away for one week. Arvin came over to watch TV. It was around dinner when I went to take my antidepressants and vitamins. When he saw me taking them, he said “Wow, you’re 25 years old and you’re already taking pills?”
I explained to him that I just take medication for my depression and a few other things. It just seemed like he was making fun of me for using pills to care for my mental health. It wasn’t like I was gargling down a full bottle of painkillers or anything of the sort. So to this day I’m still a little confused as to why he acted that way in that moment.
I feel angry for how he acted. It really hurt my feelings and made me feel like shit. It was as if he was implying that I’m weak for using pills to help cope with my depression.
So since that whole ordeal I have just given up online dating completely.
I tried Tinder one time. When I told someone I don’t like to meet people right away, they asked why I bothered to sign up. I realized that they had a point.
It made me realize that I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to start dating again. I’m just tired of talking to boring people who never read your profile and only want sex. I also just hate having to put on this façade so that I don’t scare people off right away.
But since Arvin, I’ve just grown tired of all the bullshit. I’m tired of meeting a person who seems kind until they have no use for me anymore.
I just want to take the time to save some money, focus on myself, and grow as a human being.
Perhaps I’m just fooling myself into thinking that I’m using this time to “grow,” when I’m just closing myself off. But regardless of the true reason, I need to focus on myself and get my life together.
Which brings me back to my mental health.
I’ve realized how truly unhappy I am with myself.
Yes, I have a wonderful, loving, and supportive family as well as steady work, but I’m still just not happy. I feel like I don’t have much of a life. All I do is work, come home, eat, repeat.
Granted, that’s probably my fault because I like to stay closed up in my room a lot. At the same time I just feel like there’s not much room for me to do anything else. My friends are all busy just trying to stay afloat at work, so they can’t really hang out either. Which is not their fault in the slightest.
I just feel like I had all of these dreams about growing up and it’s just been so disappointing. I still depend on my parents for a lot of shit. That’s not necessarily a horrible thing, since I’m very close to them. At the same time, it just makes me terrified of going out into the world on my own.
As a matter of fact, I’ve become terrified of living.
Life has been terrifying to me lately because I know that it all has to end at some point. I’m so terrified of living that sometimes I don’t want to be alive. I don’t want to be alive because I don’t want to come to terms with the fact that everyone I love will die. My family, my friends, everyone who’s ever helped me; I don’t want to learn to live without them in my life.
Hell, that’s the reason why I’m even afraid to fall in love. I know that one day I’m going to have to go through life alone without them. I want time to fucking stop moving and stay where it is at this very moment.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to commit suicide. I’m too afraid of dying to do that. It’s just that life scares me just as much. I guess you could say it’s an internal paradox of some sort.
But as I’m typing this, I realize that I should use this as motivation to create more content. What I mean is that if I’m afraid of dying, then I should focus on making something out of it. More specifically, I need to challenge myself and leave an impact that will live on after my death.
I just need to really discipline myself and come up with more ideas. I have been feeling inspired lately and have a few ideas written down. But of course I haven’t gotten to doing them. I’m hopeful that I will pull through, though.
Fortunately, my life hasn’t been completely full of angst and sorrow.
I’ve found myself really interested in clothes, specifically goth/alternative styles. I’ve been spending large chunks of my paychecks on Killstar clothing, and I am absolutely in love with the brand.
I think I’ve always liked that clothing style. I just now started to really experiment with it. My parents aren’t concerned with this change in style. But they do get concerned when I wear these clothes to the store and to work.
Funny enough, no one at work gives a shit about what I wear, as long I cover myself. And everyone at the store seems much more concerned about finding as many gluten-free items as possible. Needless to say, I’m probably the least of their concerns.
But I just love how these clothes make me feel mysterious. When I wear black, I feel like I’m this sophisticated, edgy, creature of the night type of character. I also just love how flattering black clothing looks on my figure. Wearing black clothes also makes me feel unapproachable, which is such a cliche thing to say, but I really do like how it makes me stand out from the rest of the crowd. Overall, I find goth clothing to be very empowering.
Although this newfound materialism has given me joy, I notice that I’ve slacked on a lot of my goals.
I’ve been wanting to get more into a vegan diet, but I just haven’t had enough energy to cook. Plus, these recipes require a lot of experimenting in order for them to have enough flavor.
I’ve also been slacking on my skincare routine. Before I had this long-term job assignment, I would follow the 10 step Korean skincare routine religiously.
Nowadays I’m lucky if I can even find the time to put on toner and moisturizer. And I feel like my skin has really been suffering because of it. Granted, because I’m on birth control, my skin isn’t as bad as it could be. Nonetheless, it could still be a lot better.
Oh, and makeup? Yeah, I’m still buying a lot of it. But lord knows that I rarely get off my ass to play with it. Thankfully, I am full of a lot of ideas for future posts. Let’s hope I can actually get around to doing them.
In case you’re interested, here are just a few of the things I’ve purchased lately!
I could go on, but I think you get the idea. I’ve got a lot of makeup, yet I haven’t played with it in awhile.
It’s interesting because I want to play with makeup. But not having done it in so long means my skill have suffered. This makes me scared to do it again, which will only make my skills deteriorate even more. It’s just this vicious cycle which I hope to break it in the near future.
Overall, to summarize how my life has been lately, I’d say that it’s been a little tough on my mental health.
Yes, my family continues to be supportive. I also am close to getting a full-time job. I also still have friends that accept me for who I am completely.
But I don’t feel any desire to connect with anyone on an emotional level.
To be more direct, I am now cynical about the prospect of finding love. Frankly, it all feels like bullshit at this point. I’m not ready to put a lot of emotional labor into it. I’m going to continue maintaining the friendships I have, but I’m not going to make new ones.
I just want to get my life back on track and be more independent for awhile. And frankly, it’s sad that I’ve come to associate romance with maturity. Writing all of this has helped me realize how much I need to improve my self-esteem. Which means that I want to work on creating more content and get better with my craft.
Thankfully, I’ve been feeling very inspired with ideas for this website.
A whole bunch of new makeup means that I will have a lot of reviews to work on for quite some time. I’m looking forward to spending more time on products and getting acquainted with different formulas and textures.
I’ve also got a ton of new ideas for tutorials I want to post. Some of them will be basic glam tutorials, but I really want to get out of my comfort zone and go into more avant-garde styles and character designs. Which reminds me, I recently bought some face/body paint from Mehron, and ever since watching MadeYewLook, I really want to delve into that type of art form and see what kind of creations I can come up with. So I am really looking forward to testing my skills in that particular medium.
Of course, in order for people to see my growth, I really need to focus on promoting myself more on social media platforms. This means that I will try to post more on Instagram and Facebook so that people who are interested can see my work and give me constructive feedback. I’ve only had a little bit of experience managing social media, but I feel that with today’s market, it’s important to become more acquainted with social media and how it can be used to reach a wider audience.
So you can definitely look forward to seeing my big-ass forehead more often!
There you have it. Hopefully I won’t have to write another life update anytime soon.
But I can’t promise anything. I just hope that this somewhat explains why I haven’t been around lately as well as what I’ve been up to.
I’m terrified of what the future holds and where my life will take me. But at the same time, I need to focus on myself and grow more as an aspiring artist, and as a human in general.
I want to thank those of you who have been reading my content so far and have kept up with my posts. Your support means so much to me and I hope you’ll stick around to see what’s in store for the future. Because frankly, I haven’t even begun to start making good content. So I hope that in the future I can bring you content that you will enjoy and that I can be proud of.